During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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