I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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