Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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