WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
