Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
