Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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