I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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