the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
you had me at cake vodka
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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