So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
