I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
