false alarm. still invincible.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
