ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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