I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
