the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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