I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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