apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
