I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
