Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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