The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
