Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
