um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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