Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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