I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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