I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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