Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
