I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
