I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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