Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
