I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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