If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Randomize
