Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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