it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
