he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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