Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Let's get the cat blown out
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
