just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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