just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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