im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You're like the curious george of whores
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
