i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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