explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
