Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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