Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he was CRYING into my vagina
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
