My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
