Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
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Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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