Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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