Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates