my sisters under your porch take her home
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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