there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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