theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
