He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
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Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
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Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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