That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
