We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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