i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
