I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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