i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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