Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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