so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
