She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
