Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
