Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
