It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I am available for nakedness
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
